the past month or so has been quite an interesting time. it’s been an emotion roller coaster. i’ve learned a lot about myself, yet again. but i’ve also been left with a lot of doubts. i’m doubting the things that i have “heard from God” in the past year or so. i think i made those things up for my own security and my own insecurity. just everything i’ve ever thought to be true has not proved to be so. it’s disappointing. it’s frustrating.
so for the past year i have pushed away every single guy that i got close to because “God told me i’m not supposed to be with you” well fuck that. i’m not going to keep myself from falling in love because of some subconscious fear that i have that i don’t even know the origin of.
i have an amazing boyfriend. he treats me like a princess. he’s an amazing person. he adores me. he’s cute and has goals. he’s funny and dorky and not smooth. he’s himself. he’s conservative. my parents like him a lot. my friends all approve. he makes me happy. i hate being away from him. our bodies fit perfectly in any cuddling configuration you can think of. he warms my heart. he has my heart. and for once i’m not going to try to take it back. i’m going to fall in love with him. i just am. my heart is dave’s.
i’m at a strange point right now. i’m moving on and feeling good about it. not that it doesn’t suck, not that it doesn’t hurt, but i know it’s right. and knowing that it’s the right thing allows me to have an indescribable peace in my heart.
but i’m sorry to the person that it hurts the most. i’m sorry that it’s not easy for you. i’m sorry that you have such a powerful and intense love for me that you can’t shake. i’m sorry that i dont have that for you. i’m sorry that i pretended like i did for so long. i’m sorry that i was able to convince myself of things in order to convince you of them. i’m sorry for not heading your advice. i’m sorry for taking you for granted. i’m sorry for not being all i can be. i’m sorry for stabbing you in the back and heart over and over again. i’m sorry for not believing you enough for action to take place when you told me that i was meant for amazing things. i am sorry. i’m sorry that i can’t do this with you anymore. it’s not fair to you. not fair at all. you deserve so much better. and one day you’ll find that someone that is deserving of the wonderful love that you have to give. but it wasn’t me. it isn’t me. i’m not saying that i don’t think i’m deserving of a wonderful love…just not your wonderful love.
i haven’t really talked to you in the past few days, and i’m sorry for that. ignoring you was easier than talking to you. and you know me, i do the easy thing. so here’s my explanation. here’s my apology. please take it. please believe me. please find a peace in this. know that it’s the right thing, because it is.
someday you will be loved by death cab for cutie kind of says a lot that i want you to know. i want you to believe it. because its true. extremely true.
i’m having one of those nights. you know, the nights where all you wanna do is be held until you fall asleep. but then you just get so frustrated and start to feel extremely lonely when you realize you don’t have anyone to hold you. yeah..i’m having one of those. i just need to be hugged. by anyone really. the only requirement is that they don’t let go until i say they can. i want someone’s arms wrapped around me so tight that i couldn’t move more than a millimeter if i had to.
i feel so pathetic saying this. i feel like i should be stronger than this. that i should be above this feeling. i feel like this empty loneliness should not feel like such a large hole. i wish there was a way to make it go away. but the only way to make it go away is for my need to be fulfilled. i want so badly for there to be another way. i’m impatient. i’m sick of waiting to have someone to hold me.
sometimes i hug myself because it’s the closest i can get to feeling close to someone. how pathetic is that? i think the worst part is knowing that i had someone to hold me. and i let that go. i’ve pushed that away. i know it is for the better. but it still sucks. it sucks a lot.
someone just come hug me? please?
i’m sitting on my front porch listening to the cars going by. i’m listening to the wind. i’m listening to the keys on the keyboard click as i hit them. i’m listening to jimmy eat world. i’m feeling the sun. i’m feeling my hair blowing in the wind. i’m feeling the warmth of the sun-soaked porch on my butt and feet. i’m just here right now.
the past few days have been kinda crazy. plan A has been ended. i have found my peace again. i’ve found my hope and my strength and my joy. i just feel good. don’t get me wrong, it still hurts like hell. i just know that i’m going to be ok. that plan A is going to be ok. that my life is going to make sense again. that i get to be honest with people again. that i get to enjoy myself without feeling guilty.
i’m excited. i’m smiling. i’m happy. i just laughed for no reason. i can’t get this stupid smile off my face. i wish you could see me right now. i wish you could see the joy that God ha given me right now. i wish i could explain it better. i want to do flips across my front yard. but i don’t know how and i’d probably break my neck.
i haven’t had this joy i feel now in a long time. months probably. but it feels like an eternity. i forgot how awesome and pure it feels. i never want to let it go. i wish everyday was as beautiful as ths one is. tomorrow is supposed to be even nicer than today. i’m thrilled.
mmmmm…….yay. 
sometimes i wonder how i get myself into strange situations. i wonder why i let myself get into places that bring me so much joy, but i know are not right. i’ve found myself in one of those places right now. i’m not going to go into details. i prayed that God would take me out of this situation. and i asked for something specific, which i will not mention. the next day, i prayed the same thing again, and he answered my prayers. at least i think. i’ve never had a prayer blatantly answered like that before.
so part of me thinks that it’s just me trying to make sense of what happened that day. but in the moment, when things clicked, it felt so right. it felt so blessed and so from God. it was weird how so quickly everything came into perspective. but then after that happened, i went right back into my strange situation.
let’s call the strange situation plan A and the answered prayer plan B. plan B came into my life for a reason. plan B seems like it would be a plan that i would be at peace with in my heart. plan B would be accepted by other. plan B could potenially bring me more joy that plan A ever could. But i love plan A. i’m attached to plan A. plan A means a lot to me. and i mean a lot to plan A. but nobody else likes plan A. everything thinks it’s a horrible plan. somewhere deep down i know i can’t let myself keep going with plan A. maybe it’s not that i need to take plan B. maybe there will be a plan C or D or even a plan E in the future . maybe one of those plans is the correct one.
but plan A is right here, and right now. and i’m not patient. not at all. so i don’t wanna give up what i have in plan A just to have to wait for another plan to come along.
ok…so i’m probably not making any sense at all. but i wrote all this out more for me than for anyone else. it was something i had to get out. it was very helpful to me. i think. i don’t know. i’m a very confused person right now.
that’s not true. i’m not confused at all. just stubborn. i don’t want to change or admit that i’m wrong. even though the rewards of doing so will be far greater than i can imagine.
i’ll hit that point eventually. i hope. the point where i can’t be stubborn anymore. the point where i have to accept that i’m wrong. the point where i with suck out all of the poison in my life and replace it with the love and fulfillment that should come from God. i’ll hit it.
i just hope sooner than later.
i think i’ll pray again. that seemed to work pretty well last time.
When did i grow so far away from my family? When did it start? why did it start? when was the day that i stopped confiding in them? did i ever confide in them? when was it that we all got along? when was it that we all loved each other and could list a thousand reasons why everyone was so great? but could we ever do that? was that ever even realistic? will it ever be realistic? what is family? why am i so bad at it? why does my family feel so unloved by me and i feel so unloved by them? why do i have to feel like such an outsider in my family? why was i made with such drastically different love languages? why don’t we understand each other? why do i only love them because “they’re my family”? i don’t want to only love them because i’m obligated to. i want to love them because of their qualities. because of who they are. i want to know them. how did it get so far gone? how did we let this happen? how did i let this happen? it’s so far gone that fixing it seems near impossible. it seems like an extremely arguous task. to be a real family again. but i want that. it just seems so hard. and i don’t do hard things. i give up. i find the easy thing to do. i find the loop hole. but there are no loop holes in family. there’s no way around it. i either continue to let these relationships dwindle, or i do something about it. but i don’t even know what the heck to do. we’ve had conversations, family meetings, time and time again. everyone promising everyone they will do more to show the other love and to help around the house and to not hurt others feelings. but nothing has ever changed as a result of those meetings for more than a week or two. it’s disgusting! it really is. what the hell is wrong with us that we can’t be a good family for more than 14 days at a time. why do we always resort back to being careless with each others thoughts and feelings? because we are lazy and because we are selfish. that’s the only answer i can come up with. i could go on forever how laziness and selfishness has shaped my life into a horribly sad thing, but i won’t. i’ll save that for another time. maybe next time. but for now i’m talking about my family and how i hate…absolutely hate what it’s become. it repulses me. it infuriates me. it saddens me. it brings me to tears. it makes me want to curl up into a ball and go back to when i was 4 and my sister was 6 and my brother was 8. i want to go back to playing in giant cardboard boxes for hours upon hours and rollerskating around our unfinished basement. back to bathtime, family fun night, and swing sets. back to happy. back to fun. back to love. real love. back to family being the only relationships i knew. then i want to know what i know now. i want to do things differently. i never want to stop loving them. or at least never stop knowing why i love them. i want to cherish them like i should cherish them now. i want them to be a part of my life. not just some people that live in my house that kinda look like me. i want to know them. i want us to be as one. i want a lot of things. but only action, on all of our parts is going to do this. but then i think, what, we’ll have another family meeting and make a bunch more promises that we intent to keep but know we never will. and what good will that do? how the hell do we get out of this vicious cycle? when does it end? when does it get better? when do i know what my family looks like? what potential my family holds for itself? just tell me when.
